Kuala Lumpur
In approaching this skyline by taxi at night, it suddenly sank deep in my stomach that this was my final destination. "Kuala Lumpur means I'm going home." - all good things must come to an end... I also felt such a shock that I was in Kuala Lumpur. I never thought it was a destination I would make in my lifetime...
This city has surprised me so much in how easily I can see myself living here. It feels like a city, it is clean, but still has that indescribable grittiness that is so identifiably "southeast asia". In my two days here, I spent my time exploring neighborhoods, trying out more local food, ogling at the amazing twin towers that KL is famous for, and took a day trip to visit the Batu Caves. I didn't take many pictures while here, but pictures are unnecessary to say how much I would consider a city like this one as a future home one day were I to change international schools for work. I am currently at the airport now while typing this, with 24 hours left before I walk through my front door...
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Batu Cave entrance |
My Closing Words
I remember that I drafted my first "Closing Words" from 4 years ago several days before my actual departure. This time, I haven't had a chance to think about it until now in the airport. I've reread my first Closing Words multiple times and reflected on how much of it still applies and how much of it is completely different now. I have felt so rejuvenated after this trip in a way that I cannot explain, but am forever thankful for. My thoughts won't be as organized or as clear as I am typing this on my cell phone, I may rewrite it later, so here is a stream of consciousness for now...
What has stayed the same is the incredible benefit of traveling solo. How waking up every day not knowing what will happen, who you will meet or what you will do still excites you and gives you life. How dangers at every turn make your body vibrate with survival. Spontaneity and openness have stayed the same. The beauty of letting go has stayed the same but taken on more meaning, and ease. Every day is Saturday.
But what I feel more inclined to talk about is the change. Change that I expected, and change that I did not see coming. One change is that this is not my first time backpacking, so there are fewer "firsts" to be felt, and less intense emotions to process. I've felt a difference in my preparation, in my vigilance and my openness to unfamiliarity. I was more realistic this time around, more careful. I am so much more calm and under control. I let go of expectations, remembering what my friend 4 years ago said about the element of surprise.
There has also been a change in exploring these new southeast asia countries - Indonesia, Singapore and Malaysia have all had such a different feel to them than Thailand, Myanmar, Laos, Vietnam and Cambodia. It's made me appreciate every single country individually and onl makes me want to return to continue exploring the rest one day.
Another change is my ability to feel completely comfortable in going for days alone. I was so eager the first time to constantly make friends and discover parts of my personality I didn't know existed, but I know very well who I am now. I became more comfortable and OK with the possibility of making no friends at all. I became interested in befriending more locals than actual backpackers. I did things for me first, I put my priorities first and my ideas first, rather than adjusting my agenda to be with others. For the first time, I felt so much happier doing things on my own with no need for company. And when I was lucky enough to make new friends without looking for them, it made it that much better.
But one of the greatest changes in this trip is the new relationship I've had to explore and embrace with my father. He is not here this time, to write me one of the most special messages I've ever received like the one he left in my first "closing words." He is not here to pick me up from the airport and greet me with open arms like he did 4 years ago. He is not at home, thinking of me with his computer's desktop background changed to a backdrop of my current country so he would feel closer to me during my travels.
Instead, it's been a trip where he was in my back pocket, on my shoulder, in my mind and sprinkled across the cities through his numbers 4, 1 and 2 that I saw so often. His spirit was with me during the most beautiful moments, the funniest of moments, the most challenging of moments. He was there in spirit to be proud of me, to tell me that he sees what I see, that he feels what I feel. His smile filled my imagination and his he visited me in my dreams twice with such profound symbolism. Not a day went by where I didnt think of him. Yet also this time, the few tears I've shed were more of pure unconditional love rather than immense grief. It's been a new relationship where I feel as though he experienced this adventure with me far more viscerally than my first trip.
Beyond papa not being here anymore, his death has also equipped me with a different strength this trip. I was afraid to go on this trip initially, thinking that I was no longer the bubbly person filled with life and happiness that I was 4 years ago, even though I began that first trip brokenhearted (romantically). I began this trip brokenheartedly too in a sense, resuming a southeast asia trip without a father who followed it so closely and cheered me on the first time around. Because of grief, and because of this being the second time I've left to backpack southeast asia, it's made this trip easier, more positive, more enjoyable...
I never thought anything would ever beat my first trip 4 years ago. But this one matches it, and might even be better. My first trip was filled with a roller coaster of emotions where I had felt every emotion more intensely than ever before. This time, all I could feel was peace, acceptance, and lots of love in all forms - the greatest one being self love. This is not something I could say after that first trip. And that was exactly why - that was the first trip. The first time. Any first time, your mind is so busy making meaning to things. This trip, I was able to apply everything I had learned the first time and mold them into a better, more profound understanding of myself and this side of the world.
No doubt that backpacking solo is rejuvenating; it is completely healing for the heart, the mind and the soul. I left for this trip fully broken in many ways, with a light in me that was put out long ago that now for the first time feels like it can be reignited. It is incredible how healing a trip like this can be in our life journeys. So here I find myself replenished with a new energy, a new peace, and a new smile. And I am grateful.
Cheers to the newly found peace, the acceptance, the openness, the independence, the vigilance, and the resilience. Cheers to yet another amazing journey to remind myself that we are our own soothe-sayers, that we are our own way out of the most challenging of times, and that the best is still yet to come.
Until next time,
Celine